Welcome to The First Amendment

 TheVillagesMorsel.com is in no way, shape or form affiliated or associated with The Villages of Lake Sumter Inc., but if we were (or if they wished to purchase this site), we would have tons of money to promote this website in the manner in which it should be promoted.

    

 Congratulations Villages Morsel,

The Villages' trolley car tour 

now considers your  HQ  a scenic attraction.

Features of the Day

The Latest Gnus

http://ourconstitutionalrights.com/

 To celebrate this revelation, Developer Gary Morse told The Villages Morsel: "This will be our contribution to the stimulus package with which our American economy will be rejuvenated."

The Christian Religion is Being Promoted in our Publicly-Funded  Villages Charter High School

(An Editorial) 

Recently, the Fox and Friends TV show originated from The Villages. One of the acts presented was Foreigner. They were backed up by members of The Villages Charter High School Choir--all decked out in robes containing two Christian crosses.

The Charter High School receives taxpayer monies from the State of Florida. Should the choir members be permitted to promote Christianity on national TV, or at local gatherings?

Even if the choir's membership is 100% Christian, how would a member of a non-Christian faith, or even an atheist feel wearing those robes?

Perhaps the school should add a Jewish star, an Islamic crescent or just place slashes through all three of the symbols. The United States has been referred to as a melting pot. Isn't it about time that we stir that pot and promote the fact that we are Americans.

 Does Office Depot in The Villages Believe We Would Fall For This?

Do we really want to buy a box of staples and save 20 cents  because it seems that office accessories are the only items that this ad applies to?

Which local super store is selling casket-sized plastic containers to The Villages' 55+ community?

Not many humans are permitted by vampires and werewolves living in The Villages to egress

The Gates of The Villages

www.insidethevillages.com

Here’s a brand new website bringing The Villages Community together with local businesses and organizations. Use this new website to sell your merchandise as well as advertise your business services. Best of all, this new advertising vehicle is very affordable!

Snowbirds in The Villages

Are Not Like These People

And Now

Glenn Beck stars in

Lost

In The Villages

Glenn Beck Attacks The Villages Morsel 

The Morsel will always remain a work-in-progress

To save this song and create a ringtone, please go to Downloads

An Active 55+ Community Where Women Can't Become Pregnant But Men Look Pregnant

 PLEASE NOTE

If you are looking for the Onion's web site, you are not there. The Villages Morsel contains only Buffalo Chips. And may the chips fall where they may.

 

We have discovered that the Morse Family historically has been very much in favor of the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. Therefore, we conclude that they also favor the First Amendment.

And that is why The Villages Morsel Exists

We would love to hear from you.

Or would you like to write for us?

 New Dangerous Trend Hits The Villages

Sexting while walking enhances income of

local criminal lawyers

Last Wednesday, Miriam Robinson, 87, a sexy, cougar resident of the ridiculously expensive condo neighborhood adjacent to Spanish Springs, was taking her morning walk while talking on her cell phone.

She subsequently started sexting photos of her brand new cosmetic breast enhancements to Gary Gigolo, a 32-year-old-man with whom she had danced at Katy Belles.

Sexting has become the latest teenage craze among hormonal girls, and many boys are forwarding these photographs to their friends. Many pictures have wound up on porn web sites.

But the Internet police are also monitoring those sites. IP addresses have been traced and male and female uploaders have been arrested for disseminating child pornography. These youngsters have been fined, jailed and tagged with the lifelong stigma of being labeled a sexual predator. (Aren't there enough in The Villages. especially on Lester?)

And now Mrs. Robinson may wind up at the same North Carolina prison where Bernie Madoff resides.

It seems Mr. Gigolo is really Sgt. Michael Moorsefeather, a reformed sexual addict that joined the Frootland Park Police Department last May. Frootland's chief now loans Moorsefeather out to other local agencies in return for a first read of the arrest report.

Mrs. Robinson, a widow, took up with the young man after he invited her to his golf cart for a moonlight drive. Suddenly she felt the resurgence of juices and felt chills throughout her frail body. It was love at first sight, but it was to become a one-sided love from behind bars.

Who benefits? Is it local lawyers paying exorbitant rents to The Villages Developer?

It could have been worse. It seems one female New York teenager suffered bruises and broken bones while sexting herself when she fell six feet through an open sidewalk manhole into raw sewage.

Oh well, then the personal injury lawyers in The Villages will also get a piece of the action.

Welcome to Drive-In Heaven

(The Villages) Because polo matches haven't become as popular as expected, The Villages Developer, in cooperation with the Community Development Board, has decided to hedge their investment in the Polo Field by leasing it for various non-sporting activities.

First it was drive-in movies for residents in golf carts (admission $10), then the field was leased  to commercial enterprises selling golf and sporting goods.

The Developer announced  that the interdenominational First Church/Synagogue/Mosque of The Villages, presided over by the Reverend Iman Rabba Adara Goyishe Kopf, will conduct  services every Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning at the new golf cart drive-in religious facility. Admission will remain $10, but two free coupons will be included in the welcome package provided to new residents.

Every week thousands of Villagers drive  to Oxford, Leesburg and Ocala to attend religious services, said the Developer. "So why not keep the money here and not in the gas tank bank vaults of Saudi Arabia and Venezuela?"

We asked the developer about a rumor that Freedom Pointe has asked to lease the property's outparcels. "Are drive-in funerals next?" we asked. However Morsestan's developer refused to answer.

 Villages Taxi Drivers Get Residents' Attention

With the price of gasoline and cab fares soaring, the developer has come up with a novel plan to have more fares originate in his 55+ community.

The developer has decided to retire his present fleet of drivers and substitute younger men and women who would drive the cabs wearing body paint and nothing else.

This marketing ploy was adapted from a similar guerrilla marketing tactic recently employed by Air New Zealand. While the carrier's safety video is being shown aboard its domestic Boeing 737 airplanes, its body-painted pilots and flight attendants point out the various features of the aircraft.

Community Watch Comes to the Rescue: Almost

A Village person in a golf cart recently ran out of gas in the middle of the tunnel traversing County Road 466 from Morse Blvd. Suddenly a bad Samaritan in an electric cart showed up and mugged him, stealing his Villages ID and gate beeper card.

But as luck would have it, the mugger was cornered as he tried to make a U-turn in the tunnel.

Community Watch recently transitioned their mode of transportation from cars with phony overhead flashing lights to super-slim golf cars. The "officer" showed up, lights flashing, and blocked the mugger from leaving the tunnel.

But the officer was a rogue community watcher. He refused to take the ID and beeper that the mugger had stolen, but insisted that both victim and mugger strip down to their underwear. The officer took their pants, backed his super-slim out of the tunnel and took off humming "It's always a beautiful day in The Villages."

Non-Villager Arrested for Stealing Underwear

A 54-year-old Fruitland Park man was recently arrested for possessing thousands of neatly stacked and washed sets of men's  underwear.

Reggie Roundbottom told the local police that he purchased all of the briefs and boxer shorts at garage sales held throughout The Villages.

Reggie said he wanted to move to The Villages but the developer would not allow him to do so until he reached age 55. Because of that he decided to bring The Villages to Fruitland Park.

Police, speaking with the developer, decided that Roundbottom would no longer be allowed to enter Morsestan. And because he could not provide receipts for the underwear, he would be declared a Fruitland of the Loom sexual predator and could only order briefs via internet.

Some Villages Deed Restrictions Negate State of Florida Law

Apparently The Villages' developer has taken it upon himself to force residents to break a law enacted for the entire State of Florida.

Yes, Florida is only one of two states nationwide (the other is Vermont) with a "Right to Dry" law. We have the right to dry our laundry on an outside clothes line, significantly reducing electricity consumption.

But Article 2.19 of the Orange Blossom Hills Inc. Declaration of Restrictions states: "The hanging of clothes or clothes lines or poles is prohibited."

Yes, it may let your property look a little nicer, but your underwear will not have that sweet sun-dried smell, and you will be sending more money to the rogue nations (if that is the right word) that feed money to terrorists that just want to kill us and replace us in The Villages.

I've heard, but have not confirmed it, that the developer also refuses to allow a 50-foot golf netting to circle one resident's home. The owner, who plans bankruptcy because of broken windows begged the deed restriction board to allow the net that would prevent errant golf balls from leaving the course.

The developer told reporter Clarissa Kent that "We promise free golf for life, and that goes for experts as well as novices. I have never broken a promise in my life and I won't start now."

Apparently, it is just like the Senator Joe McCarthy wannabe in "The Investigator" who told residents of Hell to revolt. This McCarthy was sent to Hell by God after he started to investigate God and the heavenly hierarchy. The investigator told the Hellites: "Workers of the underworld unite. You have nowhere to go but up."

And we can all say once again that

 "It's a beautiful day in The Villages."

Deaths at a Florida Hospital Termed Suspicious

Because of possible legal complications, we are not naming the hospital in question. However, investigators have determined that something drastic is occurring in its Intensive Care Unit.

Patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. Sunday. A team of experts was assembled to investigate the possible cause.

Last Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m. physicians, administrators and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some held crosses, prayer books, rosaries and other religious objects to ward off evil spirits.

Just as theclock struck 11 , Joshua Johnson, a part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Letters to the Editor

Match sticks sell for $1.50 a box nowadays. After having read in the Villages Morsel that there is a machine that can cut down a tree, peel off the bark, cutting it into 3 sections, nicely stacking it - all in 40 SECONDS flat, the writer made up her mind to use as many of those match sticks as possible by buying American.

One must stimulate the economy. Never mind that the machine can fell an entire forest in just hours with only one operator. There is no telling how many lumberjacks have lost their jobs. But wait, they're probably illegals, and they should go back to where they came from.

(Mrs) Golly Wolly

***

My dearest editor:

It seems as if not all residents of The Villages are helpful. In fact some people can be downright nasty. I happen to have a problem with my wobbly legs and have to use a walker.

For the past week, my Villages Daily Sun is being left in the middle of the road. I don't know whether the carrier is doing this on purpose because I did not leave a tip at Christmas time, or whether one of the early morning joggers is just plain mean.

The other day I nearly was run over by an old lady speeding  on my street. The Villages refuses to put speed bumps on this street because they say most of my sizable monthly amenity fee must  be used to pay the interest on the bonds that the developer has incurred.

I am very tempted to cancel my subscription and subscribe to the Leesburg, Orlando or Ocala newspapers. I'm sure they will be kinder and throw the newspaper closer to my doorstep.

Thank you and please help me.

(Mrs) Alfred E. Noodleman

Have Pirates Buried Swag

 in The Villages?

Over the years, treasure has been buried in the Villages, and coincidentally, all around the world. But our focus remains in our new homeland, The Republic of The Villages.

The Geocaching Club will help you find that swag, but in return you must leave another item of value at the location that the treasure was found.

You don't need a map. You don't need a compass. But you do need a GPS unit into which you can input latitude and longitude. Sure they're expensive, but what the hey, we are all Village People and the demographics show that we have $$$.

According to Sally Smith, the club's president, who discovered a pink flamingo charm buried in The Villages: "I've had it with me ever since."

Ever since when? Can't we just go to the county fair, spend a quarter and win a similar tsotchkele? Do we have to spend in excess of $100 to purchase a device to find one?

Oh well, it's fun and when your grandchildren come to visit, you can take them into the woods and perhaps discover the big bad wolf.

'Portal to Hell' Closes El Camino Real

Staff Report

THE VILLAGES--Part of the westbound lane of El Camino Real near the entrance to the Village of Alhambra disappeared today as a gigantic sinkhole opened up swallowing two Community Watch vehicles. 

The drivers, who managed to safely eject themselves, told The Villages Morsel that the hole they saw, as they were carried to a safe location, reminded them of the proverbial portal to hell as described in Dante's Inferno.

"The fire and molten lava kept spewing up toward us. We were lucky to escape and we thank the Morse family for their donation of burn bandages," said one of the drivers that asked to remain anonymous.

A spokesman for the Villages Amenity Board, Carl Ringer, said discussions would be held during the board's next meeting, whether to increase the amenity fee for all residents so that a golf cart bridge can be built over the sinkhole.

Free Trolley Ride Through The Villages

The Villages occasionally runs an advertisement in its house organ, The Villages Daily Sun, offering a free trolley ride though parts of The Villages that it wants you to see (where it has homes for sale). The trolley will not take you to the original Villages, Orange Blossom Hills etc. in the prehistoric sections east of Route 27/441.

DEMAND that you be shown the old as well as the new. You are the potential purchaser and have a right to see an alternative village lifestyle that just might appeal to you or your spouse.

And when you park your car at The Lake Sumter Sales & Information Center, don't forget to take the free golf cart ride from your automobile to the trolley stop. It's fun.